~want is
the wrong word~ Monday,
12th February 2001
The last
day in Ko Pha-Ngan ~ it
started with a last walk along the beach that looked like always, that felt different
on this day of leaving. Then
breakfast with Carol, and reflections of the places I been to in the last weeks. "This
trip, it is my first backpack trip to Asia," I said to her. "I bought
the ticket for it right after I quit a job that came with a never ending stream
of projects and deadlines. A job that had turned my life in a race against time
for most of the days. A job that I had done too long." "It was same
with me," she told me. "I walked out of the office, and into a travel
agency. Two days later, I held the tickets in my hands, and another week later,
I was on the way to the ariport." "I still remember this feeling
of freedom that moved me as i sat in the airport lobby. And waited for the plane
to open its doors for boarding." Then I thought about it again. "Or
rather: the feeling of freedom that calmed me," I added. "This feeling
as if it would be the most normal thing for me to do, to sit at an airport with
nothing but a backpack and a ticket." While
I sipped tea, and ate my last island breakfast, I looked at the map, and let a
pen travel the route I had taken. The arrival in Bangkok, the train to Ayuthaya,
the temple sites there, the train to Chiang Mai, the jungle trek, the boat trip
on the Mekong. On to Sukhotai. The temples there. The bus to Bangkok. Shanti Lodge
and the Grand Palace. Then the South. Ao Nang Beach. Songkhla. Surat Thani. "And
then, the ferry to Ko Pha-Ngan," I said to her. "And you know, it was
here, at this beach, that for the first time on this trip, I really arrived. And
was all there, on this island, at this beach that seemed so perfect that it seemed
unreal." My pen circled the island as I added the next thought, filled
with frustration. "The only downside of it all is that it has taken me more
than three weeks to get to that place. That my time abroad was already moving
towards its deadline when I arrived here." I put the pen away, closed
the book. "That's so like life", I said. "You spend most of your
time moving towards the place you want to be, and once you get there, you already
have to think of leaving again. And there is nothing you can do about it." Carol
didn't say much, her mind was out in the water already, where the next diving
lesson waited for her. Or maybe she didn't want to talk about leaving, not on
this morning that still held two more days on the island for her. After
breakfast, I went to pack my bags. Then it was time for the goodbyes. I walked
down the stairs of the bungalow that had been home for some days one last time.
At the beach, I said goodbye to Carol, to Anika, to Sebastian, and to all the
others I had met at that beach, to those who had become friends for some days.
And friends in some days. I didn't expect to meet any or them again, still I said:
"See you again." Next
I waved a last bye to the ocean. Followed the trail that went through the forest,
towards the street where a taxi would come to pick me up sooner or later. Enough
goodbyes, I told myself. Yet
on the way, I passed the little office of the diving school. I knew the guys there
from sight, the way you know everyone by sight after some days on a small beach.
One of the diving instructors was sitting on a little bench in the shade. He saw
me coming, saw my backpack. "You
want to leave?" he asked. "Want is the wrong word," I answered. "Then
why don't you stay?" he said. That
was all. No other word was said. I walked away, not knowing what to say. His words
rotated in my head as I waited for the taxi. Why
don't you stay. If you don't want to leave, then why don't you stay. But
I can't stay, a voice in my head answered. I have a ticket back home. I
have no choice. I have to leave. I have to. And
so I left the beach. Took the taxi. Cried on the way to the harbour. Bought the
ticket for the ferry to Ko Samui. Went to an internet café. To tell Ronnie
about it, to tell him what a beautiful place I have found, that one day we had
to come to this beach together, and that I already dreamed of returning. The
ferry brought me back to the mainland. In the evening, I checked my mails again.
And there it was, the question again. This time sent by Ronnie. "If you already
dream of returning, if you aren't ready to leave yet, then why don't you just
change your ticket and stay some more days?" I
don't know how long I stared at the screen. Some things take a while, I guess.
The next
day, I went to a travel agency. "My flight home is the day after tomorrow.
Is there a way to change that?" I asked. A phone call was all it took
to do it. One simple phone call. That
is how I learned the last of the Ko Pha-Ngan lessons. Learned that fixed dates
can be moved. That plans can be changed. That there is something you can do about
it.
~~~~~~ Do see
the travel pictures: leaving read
the next diary entry: Ko Tao - breathing out
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