~want is the wrong word~

Monday, 12th February 2001


The last day in Ko Pha-Ngan ~

it started with a last walk along the beach that looked like always, that felt different on this day of leaving.

Then breakfast with Carol, and reflections of the places I been to in the last weeks.
"This trip, it is my first backpack trip to Asia," I said to her. "I bought the ticket for it right after I quit a job that came with a never ending stream of projects and deadlines. A job that had turned my life in a race against time for most of the days. A job that I had done too long."
"It was same with me," she told me. "I walked out of the office, and into a travel agency. Two days later, I held the tickets in my hands, and another week later, I was on the way to the ariport."
"I still remember this feeling of freedom that moved me as i sat in the airport lobby. And waited for the plane to open its doors for boarding." Then I thought about it again. "Or rather: the feeling of freedom that calmed me," I added. "This feeling as if it would be the most normal thing for me to do, to sit at an airport with nothing but a backpack and a ticket."

While I sipped tea, and ate my last island breakfast, I looked at the map, and let a pen travel the route I had taken. The arrival in Bangkok, the train to Ayuthaya, the temple sites there, the train to Chiang Mai, the jungle trek, the boat trip on the Mekong. On to Sukhotai. The temples there. The bus to Bangkok. Shanti Lodge and the Grand Palace. Then the South. Ao Nang Beach. Songkhla. Surat Thani.

"And then, the ferry to Ko Pha-Ngan," I said to her. "And you know, it was here, at this beach, that for the first time on this trip, I really arrived. And was all there, on this island, at this beach that seemed so perfect that it seemed unreal."
My pen circled the island as I added the next thought, filled with frustration. "The only downside of it all is that it has taken me more than three weeks to get to that place. That my time abroad was already moving towards its deadline when I arrived here."
I put the pen away, closed the book. "That's so like life", I said. "You spend most of your time moving towards the place you want to be, and once you get there, you already have to think of leaving again. And there is nothing you can do about it."

Carol didn't say much, her mind was out in the water already, where the next diving lesson waited for her. Or maybe she didn't want to talk about leaving, not on this morning that still held two more days on the island for her.

After breakfast, I went to pack my bags. Then it was time for the goodbyes. I walked down the stairs of the bungalow that had been home for some days one last time. At the beach, I said goodbye to Carol, to Anika, to Sebastian, and to all the others I had met at that beach, to those who had become friends for some days. And friends in some days. I didn't expect to meet any or them again, still I said: "See you again."

Next I waved a last bye to the ocean. Followed the trail that went through the forest, towards the street where a taxi would come to pick me up sooner or later. Enough goodbyes, I told myself.

Yet on the way, I passed the little office of the diving school. I knew the guys there from sight, the way you know everyone by sight after some days on a small beach. One of the diving instructors was sitting on a little bench in the shade. He saw me coming, saw my backpack.

"You want to leave?" he asked.
"Want is the wrong word," I answered.
"Then why don't you stay?" he said.

That was all. No other word was said. I walked away, not knowing what to say. His words rotated in my head as I waited for the taxi.

Why don't you stay.
If you don't want to leave, then why don't you stay.

But I can't stay, a voice in my head answered.
I have a ticket back home.
I have no choice.
I have to leave.
I have to.

And so I left the beach. Took the taxi. Cried on the way to the harbour. Bought the ticket for the ferry to Ko Samui. Went to an internet café. To tell Ronnie about it, to tell him what a beautiful place I have found, that one day we had to come to this beach together, and that I already dreamed of returning.

The ferry brought me back to the mainland. In the evening, I checked my mails again. And there it was, the question again. This time sent by Ronnie. "If you already dream of returning, if you aren't ready to leave yet, then why don't you just change your ticket and stay some more days?"

I don't know how long I stared at the screen. Some things take a while, I guess.

The next day, I went to a travel agency.
"My flight home is the day after tomorrow. Is there a way to change that?" I asked.
A phone call was all it took to do it.
One simple phone call.

That is how I learned the last of the Ko Pha-Ngan lessons. Learned that fixed dates can be moved. That plans can be changed. That there is something you can do about it.

~~~~~~
Do

see the travel pictures: leaving
read the next diary entry: Ko Tao - breathing out

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